I turned 40 back in November!
Which means that I'm supposed to panic or be introspective or something. Honestly, the number doesn't bug me that much, but I'm always looking for an excuse to be introspective, so for a couple of weeks in November, I was. I spent a lot of time journaling and thinking about my creative trajectory: about what I had accomplished so far and what I wanted to do next.
And most importantly - why.
I should also mention that I'm writing this while I'm recovering from my ACL surgery - the one I tore back in July. That injury was...well, not really a "wake up" call, but a (not so gentle) reminder that my body is mortal and I need to start taking better care of it. So one of my big things is the concentration on health, mobility, strength, and diet - making it a much higher priority than I've ever had it in my life. This is probably my last best decade to get that in order before the real decline begins.
Anyway, there were a lot of other things I thought about and wrote about, but the one I want to share is the analysis of Silhouette Zero.
By every measure, Sil Zero has been the most successful thing I've ever done, creatively. Sure, people like and have been touched by the novels I've written. Yes, I had a small music career. But Sil Zero has had the broadest reach, made the most money, and has created a small but pretty awesome community around it. It's also the thing I've done the longest and most consistently.
And yet, it's probably the thing I cared about the least.
Let me clarify that.
In my other endeavors, writing in particular, I have put a lot of pressure on myself to be "great." But I never did that with Sil Zero. It was just...having fun with Matt, and then sharing it with everyone else.
And yet, it was the most successful thing. All of the stress of trying to be great hasn't amounted to anything great.
So that has become my motto for creativity moving forward - have fun, share fun.
I'm just going to do the things I want to do and enjoy doing, and then do them as best I can. Then I'll publish them. Or record them. Or upload them. And that's that.
Maybe it'll be under my name. Maybe a pen name. It doesn't really matter. Because at this phase of the game, trying for money hasn't worked and trying for greatness hasn't worked - so I might as well just have fun with it. A lot of what I've worked on recently hasn't been very fun to do.
Here's some stuff I want to do:
Make a video game. Mostly just to say that I've done it.
Write a solo RPG I thought of. I wrote a bunch of it down yesterday, actually.
Write a novel that is absolutely nothing like anything I've ever done and is way out of my comfort zone. I already started.
Maybe finish a novel that only one other person in the whole world would actually enjoy because it is so specific.
Finish up the Persona 5 Fan Fiction. Those people have been waiting a while…
And maybe I'll do them and maybe I won't finish them or maybe they'll take forever, but who cares. If I'm enjoying it...then I'll share it when they're done.
Now, if you're here specifically about the podcast....I really don't know. Matt isn't dying or anything, but I don't know when he'll have the time to come back. And I don't know when the leg will be well enough for me to get back into SilZero HQ. So we'll just have to take that one month at a time. I'm open to suggestions, though.
So that's it, my reflections on turning 40.